And Baby #3 is....

All I'm allowed to hope is that he or she is healthy, right? If I tell you that deep down inside I wanted so badly to hear the ultrasound technician say "girl" it makes me a bad mother, right?

To tell you the truth I've been hoping for a girl with every pregnancy. I thought Adam was a girl because he was so laid back with his in utero movements compared to my friends having boys. I wanted a boy, too, though. So I was over joyed when I found out Adam was a boy at his birth. He was in distress so it was about 3-4 minutes after his birth when someone announced he was a boy (and I hadn't even met him yet, I didn't meet him for over an hour). Not at all the dramatic baby on my tummy and David and I discovering the sex together I had imagined. Early on with Eli's pregnancy I had a friend who had convinced herself that her second and last baby was a girl and was thrown into pretty deep postpartum depression when the baby was a boy at birth. That's when I decided we needed to find out the rest of our children's sex at the 20 week ultrasound.

I was fairly confident Eli was a boy, but I still enjoyed the week that David and I kept the secret that we knew we would have two boys. By Christmas I had processed and re-imagined my two little close in age boys playing together. (I come from a boy, girl, boy family and it's what I guess I had figured David and I would have).

This is our last baby. I've always wanted three kids and David was happy with two. I wanted a boy to make the big brothers happy. I wanted a boy to be able to use all the totes of little baby boy clothes Adam and Eli wore that I've saved. But I dreamed of a little girl with two big brothers to protect her, bows and pink and someone to balance out the family dynamics. And the biggest reason I wanted a girl, is I craved the mother-daughter relationship I share with my mother. I don't have a sister and it's almost like we are sisters.

This pregnancy has been different, I broke out more, I've been sick more, the babies heart rate was 170 the first time we heard it at 13 weeks and the biggest difference- I felt the boys move at 18 weeks (Eli flutters a little earlier) but I'm feeling next to nothing still at 20 weeks!

So at the big 20 week 19 week ultrasound that we had on Monday I was full of hope that we were going to find out baby was a girl. This baby even kept it's legs closed through most of the ultrasound so we were full of suspense, but at the end babies legs opened and we found out:

He's another boy. And the reason I don't feel movement- I have an anterior placenta acting like a big old cushion between the baby and my stomach.  He was moving and moving throughout the whole ultrasound and I didn't feel any of it.

Monday night after the ultrasound we threw baby a half-baked birthday, complete with cupcakes. After supper the boys opened a present with a little new-born Little Brother Onsie and a blue baby hat. They were overjoyed and their happiness lessened the sting of never having a daughter. I then allowed myself time to grieve and cry, not for having a third boy, but for the fact that I won't have a daughter. We waited to tell family until the next day and coworkers the day after. (Really it was Adam who shared the news with the family and I sent the pictures above out to my close coworkers).

My whole life I've imagined having boys with at least one daughter. I can now imagine my complete family of boys in tow and there are plenty of great things about it. Since Monday I've read many articles about gender disappointment. I realize that even if I had a girl there is nothing guaranteeing we would have the close relationship like I have with my mother. My boys will be wonderful and they are a blessing and I wouldn't even turn the little guy inside my tummy into a girl if I could! So take that gender disappointment- I want my boys and you can keep your little girl!